Closing Time.

This is it. My last blog post.

I've been wanting to do one for a while, but I wasn't sure what to say. Then I had too much to say. And lacked the energy to form a coherent final entry. So I've been avoiding it. Until today.

My Timehop app notification pops up. And the first thing I see is this.

The day that everything officially started unraveling. I've been waiting for it. Every day on Timehop, I see Facebook status updates from one year ago relating to surrogacy in one way or another. After all, I was living, eating, breathing surrogacy at the time.

So here we are, one year later. All the surrogates that I follow who got pregnant around the same time I was beginning my medication cycling have had their surro-babes now. The last one, the surrogate whose journey was most like mine (same agency, same RE, thin lining issues, transfer canceled) gave birth last week. Some of the surrogates are already working on a second journey.

Although I would have loved for my surrogacy journey to have worked out with J&S (who sadly still have no baby on the way), it's hard to imagine at this point that I would have been giving birth this summer. It's hard to imagine the things I got to do that I may have missed out on, had I still been pursuing surrogacy or been pregnant or giving birth.

Things like birthday parties for my daughters.

Or running a 5K with my husband.

Ringing in the New Year with my amazing friends (and alcohol).

Watching my baby "gradulate" from preschool.

And birthday shenanigans in St. Augustine with my best girl.

So while I knew that being a surrogate meant making sacrifices I was willing to make, it feels good looking back to know I didn't have to miss any of these moments. I did lose a couple of friends as a result of my decision to be a surrogate for a gay couple. But let's be honest, I'm not really missing out on anything there, am I? ;)

I am so thankful for this whole experience though. I learned so much about myself, my support system, and my ability to push myself further than I ever thought possible (Hello, needle-phobe giving myself dozens of intramuscular injections!). I made friends I would have never found otherwise and traveled to places I never thought I'd go. Speaking of which, my whirlwind trip with my husband to New York City for the medical screening still goes down as one of the most memorable 36 hours of my life. Manhattan, Grand Central Terminal, the top of the Empire State Building, the lights of Times Square, the harrowing taxi rides, and spring in full bloom. 

This was our first glimpse of the city as we walked out of Grand Central Terminal. It literally took my breath away. We both gasped in awe and disbelief. I will never forget that rush, which is good, because pictures do not do this city justice. Who knew that two small town kids would get bit by the big city bug? We are both itching to go back for another visit!

So remember all that pain and heartache I felt when my surrogate dream crashed down around me? Turns out it gets better. I'm okay now. And after an astounding 25,000 page views on this blog from all over the world, lengthy applications (and quick denials) with over 2 dozen surrogacy agencies after my lining issues, and countless syringes and hormone pills, my surrogacy chapter is closed.

Closing time.

You don't have to go home, but you

Can't. Stay. Here.

(P.S. I knooow whoooo I waaaant to take me home!.......sorry, couldn't help it. It's in my head now.)

Numbers. And more waiting.

Well, I have finished all the prescribed medications.

So after...

35 days...

70 prenatal vitamins...

50 Estradiol pills...

28 Lupron injections...

7 Provera pills...

7 birth control pills...

4 transvaginal ultrasounds...

and 4 blood draws...

...my canceled cycle is officially completed. 

Now we just wait for my period to arrive. Also known as Aunt Flo--or AF--in Surrogacy/IVF lingo. Once AF starts, I will let the doctor know and we can begin to plan our new cycle. I guess J&S talked to our IVF doctor, and he wants to try a natural cycle with me this time. Basically this means we'll let my body do what it's supposed to do on its own, as opposed to attempting to control it with medications. This wasn't an option before because we were trying to sync my cycle with the egg donor's so we could do a fresh transfer.

The guys said the egg donor did not have an awesome number of eggs retrieved. Average is 15, and she had 9, with 5 of those being good quality. Fortunately, ALL FIVE eggs became embryos, so that's great news, especially since we are only transferring one embryo! The embryos have now been frozen, and the doctor said the success rate of a frozen transfer vs. a fresh is the same. So now we wait!

Monitoring Appointment #1

Just had my first monitoring appointment at a local fertility clinic since starting my cycle meds. This clinic, selected by our actual IVF clinic in Connecticut, will do my blood work and ultrasounds leading up to our transfer next month. I have an appointment here weekly to see how I'm responding to the cycle medications. I started Lupron on June 18th, and took my last active BCP on June 24th, so at this appointment they are looking for my ovaries to be inactive and my uterine lining to be very thin. If it is, then I will reduce the amount of Lupron I'm on, and start taking the estrogen.

My uterine lining measured 2.5mm, and the ultrasound tech had a very hard time finding my ovaries. She finally found the left one, but had to call for back up to find the right one. That involved several uncomfortable minutes with the weenie wand! I was getting worried (even though I know I have two ovaries!), but they explained that the ovaries are harder to see when they are "so quiet." Eventually they saw both ovaries, and I guess that means I am responding well to the meds so far!

Hopefully I'll hear from our actual IVF clinic with the results later today!

My Cycle Calendar!

I received my cycle calendar from the IVF clinic this afternoon! I am so excited to be taking this huge step, and the guys are super excited too! They were Skyping and calling their family to tell them the updates! All the dates are technically tentative, but here's what my current cycle looks like:

June 18th: Start 10 units of Lupron injections every evening.

June 24th: My birthday! Take the last active birth control pill. Call IVF clinic with the first day of my period after stopping the BCP.

June 27th: Appointment at a local monitoring IVF clinic for blood work and an ultrasound. Anxiously await results (I'm adding that to the calendar, because I already know it will happen).

June 28th or 29th: Possibly start taking Estrace three times a day. Cut Lupron back to 5 units every evening.

July 5th: Appointment at local monitoring clinic for blood work and ultrasound.

July 12th: Appointment at local monitoring clinic for blood work and ultrasound.

July 15th or 16th: This is dependent on the egg donor's stimulation, but I will most likely begin the Crinone the day before the egg donor's retrieval. Start Crinone twice a day, once in the AM and once in the PM. Remain on the Estrace three times a day. Discontinue Lupron injections.

July 20th: Final blood work and ultrasound at our actual IVF clinic in Stamford, Connecticut.

July 20th, 21st, or 22nd: TRANSFER OF ONE FRESH EMBRYO!!! I will be on bed rest the day of the transfer and for one full day after.

One week after the transfer: I will have blood work done to check my estrogen and progesterone levels.

Two weeks after the transfer: I will have blood work done to check my beta levels and see if I am pregnant!

Somewhere before the beta test, I should probably add

"Try to resist the urge to pee on a stick 57 times."

I love that J said he got two sentences in to this calendar, and got completely lost. I've been reading about other surrogate's journeys for so long now, I think I had my cycle calendar memorized before I even saw it. :)

Surprise Souvenirs!

Last week, J&S had their medical screening and every thing went great! You should have seen them on Skype trying to explain about their part of the screening while my 4 year old daughter was sitting there listening. They finally settled on a swimming hand gesture while using the word "tadpoles." :)

I was so bummed that they were going to be in the same IVF clinic that Austin and I had been in less than two weeks before, but we weren't going to get to meet yet. When I said this to J before our medical screening trip, he said, "Yeah, you'll have to write a message on the bathroom wall or something!" We cracked up laughing, but the wheels were secretly turning in my head that I had to do something. So while in the Orlando airport, we picked up some stereotypical Florida souvenirs to surprise them with: chocolate alligators, salt water taffy, and a "Hi from Florida!" Mickey Mouse magnet. We bought a gift bag and a card at the Rite Aid in Grand Central Station (this makes me laugh--I don't know why), and then brought it to the IVF clinic the next morning. They were more than happy to let us leave the gift there to surprise the guys, and I am so thankful to them for that! That's really going above and beyond!

The guys loved their surprise, and said they started eating the candy right away because they had to fast before their blood work and were starving. I'm so glad the surprise worked out. And, even better, I found out that S collects magnets from the cities they visit while traveling. I had no idea! Now they have a Mickey magnet from their surrogate in Florida! :)

Medical Screening Complete!

On our second day in Connecticut, we had an early morning appointment at the IVF clinic for our medical screening. Austin just needed to do the blood test and a urine sample (and yet he still managed to whine about it...thank goodness men don't give birth). I also had the blood test and urine sample done, and the nurse said the blood work would take about a week to get the results back. They're testing for sexually transmitted diseases so I know everything will come back fine. If it doesn't, a certain husband has some 'splainin to do. ;)

We spent some time talking to the clinic's surrogacy coordinator, Shantai, and she was so nice. She's also an egg donor, so it was nice to have someone in the clinic with first-hand knowledge of the medications. We also got to meet Dr. L, the IVF doctor, and he was so great! Everyone was so friendly, and I loved how they knew who my IP's were and knew who they are as people, not just patients. Shantai explained the surrogacy meds I would need (I started prenatal vitamins last night!), and then showed us the needle for the Lupron (which was super tiny like I expected). I haven't been nervous about those shots in a while now (which I'm sure will change when it's time to actually poke the needle into my stomach), but I was still really nervous about the Progesterone In Oil (PIO) shots. Those needles are significantly bigger, and have to be given into the muscle in your butt. So, I should have been jumping for joy when she informed me that their clinic uses Crinone instead...a progesterone suppository that's inserted vaginally.

There was no joyful jumping.

I actually felt sad.

What?! I know, right?!

I just couldn't shake this feeling that I am somehow less of a "real" surrogate because I'm not doing the painful butt injections. I'm sure it sounds silly, but I feel like I'm skipping some sort of surrogate hazing or initiation. Like I'm taking the easy way out. There was actually a moment where I wanted to say no thank you, I'd rather have the shots. I shared my feelings with Shantai, and she looked horrified and said "In absolutely no way are you any less of a surrogate because you're not doing the PIO injections!" I've read a few stories on blogs about surrogates who say they much prefer the injections over the suppositories, so I asked her about that. She said it's about 50/50. Some women prefer the shots because of the mess and irritation that can come with using the suppositories. Also, the suppositories are done two or three times a day, as opposed to just one injection. But of course, there are so many women who complain that the PIO injections leave them bruised, unable to walk or sit from the soreness, they have hard lumps and bumps, and the anxiety is sometimes hard to overcome.

I must have looked lost in thought and torn in my decision, because right then, Austin pipes up with, "Do you have a progesterone needle you can show her?" Shantai hesitated and said, "Yes, but I don't think I want to show you...." Austin said, "No, I want her to see it in person. I want her to remember what it looks like, when she's back in Florida and getting tired of the suppositories and considering switching to injections."

Holy cannoli, that needle was huge.

I'm so glad he did that (I knew I kept him around for something!), and I feel more confident in my decision to choose the suppositories. Either choice is going to be annoying and sucky anyway, so I might as well pick the one that's not painful! I still have this lingering less-of-a-surrogate feeling, but I'm hoping that goes away soon. I was still feeling a little down at the clinic, but fortunately Austin fixed that for me. We were sitting together in the waiting area, and quietly talking about my feeling this way. He was being so nice and supportive, and says to me, "I'd much rather you stick something up your butt than have to get an injection."

Thank god I wasn't drinking water...I would have shot it across the room!

"What in the hell are you talking about?!" I said. "You know," he said. "The suppositories. In your butt." I started hysterically laughing at the confused look on his face and said, "Um, I think you missed a key word in that hour long conversation. You missed it about 27 times. VAGINAL! Vaginal suppositories!" To which he responded, "OOOOhhhhh. Okay."

In his defense, my best friend did the exact same thing when I told her today. :)

So now his misunderstanding has cheered me up, and it was time for the saline ultrasound of my uterus. Also known as my date with the weenie wand. Which did not live up to my expectations.

Oh, weenie wand, I'm so disappointed in you.

You merely looked like a stick. How pathetic.

But once again, my husband saved the day. Because hanging next to this so-called weenie wand was a huge bag of condoms. You would have thought Austin was 16 years old again. He thought it was so funny, and I didn't dare make eye contact with him when the nurse practitioner was putting a condom on the weenie wand. I knew we'd both lose all composure!

The ultrasound was over pretty quickly, and it wasn't TOO bad. Pretty uncomfortable, lots of cramping and pressure, but nothing too horrible. The best part was when the nurse said, "My dear, you have a lovely uterus!" Why, thank you. :) I had some cramping the rest of the day and the flight home, but I never even had to take any Motrin, so that's good! My medical screening was successful and we had an amazing trip!

It's just too bad I didn't get a great weenie wand picture.

But I did get this one.

An Amazing 36 Hours

We got back from our medical screening trip two days ago. I cannot believe from when we left our house on Tuesday morning to when we got home on Wednesday evening was a mere 36 hours. We crammed so much into such a short period of time, and we had so many new experiences! I'm so thankful that although the purpose of this trip was for the surrogacy medical screening, we had a little bit of time to visit a city I've always wanted to see. It's a trip I will never forget!

Right after I posted my last post, we took a taxi (a first for us) to the train station (another first) so we could make the trip down to Manhattan. I'm so glad J&S encouraged us to do this! We spent the evening in midtown Manhattan, walking around the city, going to the top of the Empire State Building, and then heading over to Times Square. The city is indescribable, and the view from the top of the Empire State Building seemed too amazing to be real. Although I love living in a small town, the buzz of energy and excitement in Manhattan was pretty awesome. All of the buildings were so gorgeous, and when we first walked out of Grand Central Station on to the street, I will be the first to admit I got choked up. I couldn't believe that we were actually standing there, and it was even more than I imagined it to be. We spent about 6 hours there before heading back to Connecticut. We were absolutely exhausted and even fell asleep on the train (oops!). I'm having a hard time deciding which pictures to post here, and I took too many to post them all. So here are just a couple, or you can click here, and see all of the pictures along with their descriptions. :)

Me and my hubby in front of the New York Public Library,

Look at their gorgeous flower bed of tulips!

Our view of lower Manhattan from the top of the Empire

State Building. In this shot, you can see the new World

Trade Center building and the Statue of Liberty.

Finally, in Times Square, someone offered to take

our picture so we didn't have to do another selfie!

Times Square as the sun's going down. See

the New Year's Eve ball up there?!

Next stop: the IVF clinic for my medical screening!

Medical Screening

Things are moving quickly again!

Yesterday afternoon, the IVF clinic in Connecticut contacted me to schedule my medical screening appointment for May 1st--next week! We fly out on Tuesday morning and will come home Wednesday afternoon. This is the appointment where they take blood and urine samples (from both Austin and myself) for routine tests. A full physical examination is done (thank goodness I already got rid of my IUD) and the doctor performs a hysterosonogram. This procedure involves the doctor filling my beautiful and perfect uterus with saline and then doing a transvaginal ultrasound to take pictures of said uterus. I have only had one transvaginal ultrasound before, way back in 2003 when I was pregnant with Emily. I don't remember it being too uncomfortable, but I do remember giggling at the sight of the ultrasound wand.

Let's just put it all out there now...it looks like a penis.

I have discovered, in my obsessive blog reading intense research, that I am not alone in this observation. In fact, fellow surrogates before me have affectionately nicknamed this ultrasound instrument "The Weenie Wand."

Click that link. You have to. You know you want to. Dooo iiit!!!

It has become so common that even a Google Image search for "weenie wand" will provide you with pictures of the ultrasound wand...well, mostly.

And speaking of Google Image, I did a search for "Weschester Airport" since I am not a frequent flyer and have never been further north (on the east coast) than Virginia. I am nervous about flying and have not flown since before 9/11. Wouldn't you know one of the first things I see is this wretched picture...

I immediately yelled "WTF?!?!" (not abbreviated), and of course clicked on the picture. Which took me to a news article about a practice emergency drill conducted at Westchester. Little sigh of relief, but OH MY GOD.

Google Image for weenie wands--yes.

Google Image for airports--NO!!!!

Introducing my IP's!

WHAT?!?! I was reading my last few posts, and realized I never updated you guys on the biggest news ever...we are officially matched!!! In my defense, I did do an excited all-caps shout-it-from-the-rooftops Facebook status last week. :)

So yes...the very first profile we received turned out to be a perfect match! They love us, we love them, and we are all in a little bit of disbelief how well this has worked out. Kudos to our social worker at Circle and her incredible matching skills. They really know what they are doing over there!

We now have a journey coordinator, who will guide us through the rest of this surrogacy experience. I spoke with her on Friday morning while she was on lockdown in her Boston home (scary!!), and she explained that the next step for me will be traveling to the IVF clinic in Connecticut for my medical screening appointment. This is a quick trip, just overnight, and Austin will also be going to have lab work done as well. The only thing that has me nervous about this appointment is the flying. I have been on a plane 3 times in my life (well, I guess 6 if you count the return flight) and the last time was about 12 years ago. The scariest thing at that time was the flying--now of course, there's a lot more things to worry about! Yikes. I'm trying not to think about it all, but it's hard not to with the Boston tragedies this week. Anyway, our information has also been provided to the agency's legal team, who will spend the next 4 weeks or so drafting up our carrier agreement. We can't begin any IVF medications or anything like that until the contract is finalized.

We Skyped with the guys again this morning and have been emailing back and forth all week. I double-checked with them again to make sure they were okay with me revealing just a tiny bit of information about them on my blog. I wish I could share more with you, because some of you have expressed that you are dying for details, but I can't share much before we have completed our carrier agreement. So here's just a little taste to get you by until then...

INTRODUCING S & J!!!!!

Don't laugh! I can't share a picture yet, so this is all you get for now.

I assure you they are way more adorable when they aren't in clip art form.

And yes, they already have a son. :)

They live in Sweden!

Thank you for your amazing education, Florida public school system...

This straight-A student had to Google it just to know for sure where Sweden was on the map.

S was born and raised in Italy, while J is originally from Sweden. They are in their 30's and are both smart, successful, funny, and friendly. Hooray for awesome daddies!

We are hoping to have a standing Skype date on Sunday mornings, sometimes the 6 hour time difference makes things a little tricky. Last week I was Skyping with J, and my 4 year old Madi was sitting with me. It was late afternoon here, which means it was dark in Sweden. J was trying to explain to Madi that it was already nighttime where he was. She was baffled by this, so he took the iPad out on the balcony, and held it so she could see the black sky and the moon. She said, "Ohhhhh, I like your moon!" How funny is that?! I tried to explain that it's the same moon we have, but even as an adult, it's hard for me to wrap my head around that concept. :)

The kids tend to monopolize the screen when we do the family Skype calls, so us grown-ups don't get much talking in. But it's so fun for my entire family to be able to interact with their family, even though we are 4,600 miles away from each other! That's pretty amazing!