Closing Time.

This is it. My last blog post.

I've been wanting to do one for a while, but I wasn't sure what to say. Then I had too much to say. And lacked the energy to form a coherent final entry. So I've been avoiding it. Until today.

My Timehop app notification pops up. And the first thing I see is this.

The day that everything officially started unraveling. I've been waiting for it. Every day on Timehop, I see Facebook status updates from one year ago relating to surrogacy in one way or another. After all, I was living, eating, breathing surrogacy at the time.

So here we are, one year later. All the surrogates that I follow who got pregnant around the same time I was beginning my medication cycling have had their surro-babes now. The last one, the surrogate whose journey was most like mine (same agency, same RE, thin lining issues, transfer canceled) gave birth last week. Some of the surrogates are already working on a second journey.

Although I would have loved for my surrogacy journey to have worked out with J&S (who sadly still have no baby on the way), it's hard to imagine at this point that I would have been giving birth this summer. It's hard to imagine the things I got to do that I may have missed out on, had I still been pursuing surrogacy or been pregnant or giving birth.

Things like birthday parties for my daughters.

Or running a 5K with my husband.

Ringing in the New Year with my amazing friends (and alcohol).

Watching my baby "gradulate" from preschool.

And birthday shenanigans in St. Augustine with my best girl.

So while I knew that being a surrogate meant making sacrifices I was willing to make, it feels good looking back to know I didn't have to miss any of these moments. I did lose a couple of friends as a result of my decision to be a surrogate for a gay couple. But let's be honest, I'm not really missing out on anything there, am I? ;)

I am so thankful for this whole experience though. I learned so much about myself, my support system, and my ability to push myself further than I ever thought possible (Hello, needle-phobe giving myself dozens of intramuscular injections!). I made friends I would have never found otherwise and traveled to places I never thought I'd go. Speaking of which, my whirlwind trip with my husband to New York City for the medical screening still goes down as one of the most memorable 36 hours of my life. Manhattan, Grand Central Terminal, the top of the Empire State Building, the lights of Times Square, the harrowing taxi rides, and spring in full bloom. 

This was our first glimpse of the city as we walked out of Grand Central Terminal. It literally took my breath away. We both gasped in awe and disbelief. I will never forget that rush, which is good, because pictures do not do this city justice. Who knew that two small town kids would get bit by the big city bug? We are both itching to go back for another visit!

So remember all that pain and heartache I felt when my surrogate dream crashed down around me? Turns out it gets better. I'm okay now. And after an astounding 25,000 page views on this blog from all over the world, lengthy applications (and quick denials) with over 2 dozen surrogacy agencies after my lining issues, and countless syringes and hormone pills, my surrogacy chapter is closed.

Closing time.

You don't have to go home, but you

Can't. Stay. Here.

(P.S. I knooow whoooo I waaaant to take me home!.......sorry, couldn't help it. It's in my head now.)

Roller Coaster of Emotions

This post was originally written on July 12th. I was in the middle of my first (and only) medicated cycle with J&S, and I was excited about our upcoming embryo transfer. As you know, that transfer was canceled, and soon after, my IF's became my "former IF's" and I was no longer with Circle Surrogacy. I was saving this post to share after our successful embryo transfer, possibly while I was on bed rest. Then my surrogacy journey went haywire and it got lost in the shuffle. Even with everything that changed since this post was written, I think it's important to share it. It still holds true, maybe now more than ever.

I've mentioned before that the idea of injections terrified me in the beginning of this journey. So much so that after submitting my pre-screening application to Circle, and then hearing from them less than 24 hours later that I was accepted to continue to the screening process, I froze. I didn't reply to the email, and I didn't send any of the paperwork Jeni was requesting.

After a day or two, I went to bed thinking non-stop about the injections, which then led into thinking about anything and everything that could possibly go wrong during the surrogacy. From losing all my limbs due to a flesh-eating infection, to the plane crashing with my husband and I on board. I was up half the night, unable to turn off my brain. In the blogs I was reading, the surrogates all seemed so excited and sure of their decisions. They were so ready to fulfill a life long dream, and I felt terrified. I finally decided if I was so scared and worried, maybe I should not become a surrogate. Once I made that decision, I felt so much relief right away, and was finally able to fall asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning I woke up, remembered my long night and my decision, and immediately started feeling sad. It continued all morning. I just didn't understand how I could now feel so sad if I was making the right decision. I started out this journey feeling excited, then nervous, then scared, then worried, then relief, then sadness. And confusion, definitely confusion after riding that roller coaster! I just didn't know what to do. It took about a week before I finally reached out to Jeni about some of my fears, and she wrote back an awesome, encouraging (but not pushy) email. I had a great conversation with my husband, who seemed so confident and sure of everything. I wanted to move forward in this process. Being a surrogate is something I'd thought of many times, and it was finally the right time.

I'll be honest though and say that the nerves continued. Every time I got an email or a phone call letting me know we were at the next step in the screening process, my stomach would do a huge flip-flop and I'd feel like throwing up. But still ready to keep going.

At some point, it all changed.

I was rushing to the Fed Ex office, in the pouring rain, to make sure my signed final contract was mailed out to Circle just hours after I received it. I was so anxious to get it there, and as I drove away, I said to myself, "I'm so excited!" And then it hit me. I wasn't nervous anymore. The nerves and fear had gone away, and I didn't even notice when that had happened. If I had to guess, I'd say the turning point was the first Skype session with J&S. We fell in love with them, and I wanted so badly to give them the family they deserve. From that point on, things couldn't move fast enough!

It was important to me to write about this roller coaster of emotions, because obviously I was already forgetting how different I felt in the beginning compared to just two months later! But more importantly, I wanted any future surrogates to see that it doesn't have to start out unicorns and rainbows. It's okay to be nervous and it's okay to be scared. What we're doing is kind of a big deal! But it's also okay to push through some of those nerves and to reach out for support. You'll likely find that someone else has felt the same way!