Roller Coaster of Emotions

This post was originally written on July 12th. I was in the middle of my first (and only) medicated cycle with J&S, and I was excited about our upcoming embryo transfer. As you know, that transfer was canceled, and soon after, my IF's became my "former IF's" and I was no longer with Circle Surrogacy. I was saving this post to share after our successful embryo transfer, possibly while I was on bed rest. Then my surrogacy journey went haywire and it got lost in the shuffle. Even with everything that changed since this post was written, I think it's important to share it. It still holds true, maybe now more than ever.

I've mentioned before that the idea of injections terrified me in the beginning of this journey. So much so that after submitting my pre-screening application to Circle, and then hearing from them less than 24 hours later that I was accepted to continue to the screening process, I froze. I didn't reply to the email, and I didn't send any of the paperwork Jeni was requesting.

After a day or two, I went to bed thinking non-stop about the injections, which then led into thinking about anything and everything that could possibly go wrong during the surrogacy. From losing all my limbs due to a flesh-eating infection, to the plane crashing with my husband and I on board. I was up half the night, unable to turn off my brain. In the blogs I was reading, the surrogates all seemed so excited and sure of their decisions. They were so ready to fulfill a life long dream, and I felt terrified. I finally decided if I was so scared and worried, maybe I should not become a surrogate. Once I made that decision, I felt so much relief right away, and was finally able to fall asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning I woke up, remembered my long night and my decision, and immediately started feeling sad. It continued all morning. I just didn't understand how I could now feel so sad if I was making the right decision. I started out this journey feeling excited, then nervous, then scared, then worried, then relief, then sadness. And confusion, definitely confusion after riding that roller coaster! I just didn't know what to do. It took about a week before I finally reached out to Jeni about some of my fears, and she wrote back an awesome, encouraging (but not pushy) email. I had a great conversation with my husband, who seemed so confident and sure of everything. I wanted to move forward in this process. Being a surrogate is something I'd thought of many times, and it was finally the right time.

I'll be honest though and say that the nerves continued. Every time I got an email or a phone call letting me know we were at the next step in the screening process, my stomach would do a huge flip-flop and I'd feel like throwing up. But still ready to keep going.

At some point, it all changed.

I was rushing to the Fed Ex office, in the pouring rain, to make sure my signed final contract was mailed out to Circle just hours after I received it. I was so anxious to get it there, and as I drove away, I said to myself, "I'm so excited!" And then it hit me. I wasn't nervous anymore. The nerves and fear had gone away, and I didn't even notice when that had happened. If I had to guess, I'd say the turning point was the first Skype session with J&S. We fell in love with them, and I wanted so badly to give them the family they deserve. From that point on, things couldn't move fast enough!

It was important to me to write about this roller coaster of emotions, because obviously I was already forgetting how different I felt in the beginning compared to just two months later! But more importantly, I wanted any future surrogates to see that it doesn't have to start out unicorns and rainbows. It's okay to be nervous and it's okay to be scared. What we're doing is kind of a big deal! But it's also okay to push through some of those nerves and to reach out for support. You'll likely find that someone else has felt the same way!