Friday, November 22, 2013

When Do I Stop?

I finally heard from my agency on Wednesday that Dr. Doyle reviewed my records from this mock cycle, and will no longer approve me to be a surrogate. The email from the agency was very short, to the point, and to be honest, pretty impersonal. I was surprised after all the friendly emails this whole time. Nothing like, "We know you tried, Becca" or "We were really pulling for you." Just quickly letting me know I wasn't approved and the agency was now releasing me as well.

I can't say I was surprised, but it's hard not to hold out hope. Which brings me to the dilemma I face now: When do I stop? You're not supposed to give up on a dream, right? It's not supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be something you fight for. But what if I am fighting, and my body just isn't cut out for IVF? That's not giving up...that's physically not being able to do it. Which is probably why it bothers me when people say "No one would blame you if you decided to stop now." The decision to stop isn't being made by it? I'm not saying I can't handle the heartache, the injections, the hormones, the time, the emotions. I'm saying doctor after doctor is telling me I just can't do it, and agencies are letting me some point it just seems like I'm just doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. The very definition of insanity.

But that's what makes this so hard. I'm not doing the same thing. The medication protocols have been different, and there are still countless others that I haven't tried. But I'll never be able to try them all. I'm at a point where I've started to really accept that this may not happen for me. I will continue to pursue my dream of working with potential surrogates at an agency, but actually carrying a surro-babe...I may not ever get to do that. Then this tiny voice inside my head says, "But all it takes is one doctor to have the magic cocktail for you. Just one."

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