I'm Still Here...

I'm sure you can imagine, since it took me two days to blog, that my appointment did not go well on Monday. I needed some time to process what happened, the end of another disappointing road, and whether I wanted to start down a new one. Or if I would even be allowed.

That being said, I do want to thank all of my family, friends, surro-sisters, and blog readers who reached out to me in the last couple of days. From the number of emails, Facebook messages, and website hits, I know many of you were anxiously looking for an update. It still amazes me how many views my blog gets (almost 16,000 since March!), and it feels great to be able to interact with all of you. It was one of my reasons for starting this blog in the first place: To put my journey out there and inspire or help others exploring the world of surrogacy. Thank you all for being the knot in the end of my rope.

Alright. Cue the symphony music, cut my mic, kick me off the stage. I know what you really want to read are the details!

So back to my appointment on Monday. My lining was 6.76mm, when the clinic was looking for something closer to an 8. While I felt bummed because I knew it wasn't good enough, I have to say that I was a little impressed with it too. My lining increased as much in 5 days as it had the ENTIRE cycle. I felt like that had to mean something. The thing is, I don't know what did it. The added Estrace pills? The acupuncture? The additional supplements? The crazy amount of orgasms to increase blood flow? (Seriously, that's all I managed to get done those last few days...it's a hard job, but I'll take one--or several--for the team!) I had a glimmer of hope that maybe they'd extend my cycle again by another week, but I was doubtful.

First, I had a long talk with my dear Jeni, where I was feeling a little done and over all the stress and pressure on myself (mostly by me). Then I talked to my hubby, where I was feeling like I owed my family my full attention again (again, this is coming from my own head). Finally, I talked to my big sister, where I turned into a sad, sappy mess (she's been my "therapist" for a couple of decades now, so she's totally used to it, lol). And after all of that, I decided to email the IVF clinic and put my offer on the table: Give me another week. I will continue the estrogen pills in addition to the injections, I will schedule two more acupuncture sessions (I know, right?!), and I will get another ultrasound done to check my lining. And I will cover all the costs.

Unfortunately, the answer was no.

While I was at my daughter's dance class, I got a call from Dr. Leondires at RMA in Connecticut. This was the first time I'd talked to him directly, so I knew it wasn't favorable news. He was amazingly sweet though. He believes that given the different medicated cycles I've tried without success, I just don't build a lining suitable for IVF. That's not to say that I can't get pregnant on my own or even that an IVF transfer wouldn't be successful. But when you're dealing with Intended Parents, tens of thousands of dollars, and their embryos, they need to have the lining measure what they believe to be optimal for implantation. The sweet part is when he said, "Listen, this is absolutely not your fault. What you are trying to do for these guys is an amazing thing. But I think it's time now to move on from surrogacy and find another way to give back to the world." He said he would be calling B&J to let them know, and he's sure I would be talking to them too. "Actually," I said, "I've never had any direct contact with them. I think we were all sort of waiting to see what happened with this mock cycle." I'm thankful for that now, although once you know names and faces and family details, it doesn't really make another match-break easy. Easier than if we spend months building a relationship, I guess. But still painful. I was a complete mess in the bathroom stall at the dance studio. I hope that B&J have read my blog, so they know I have literally done every single thing possible to try and help make this cycle a success.

My agency is still sticking with me though. They immediately requested my medical records from RMA, and they are encouraging me to send them to Dr. Doyle to see if he would still work with me. He agreed to previously, but given the results from this mock cycle, I don't know if he'd feel the same way. However, I'm going to try. Not a day goes by that I don't think about being a surrogate, so I owe it to myself to keep trying for as long as I can--or as long as the doctors will let me. I don't ever want anyone to think I gave up, because no matter how hard all of this is, it will all be worth it if I can find a doctor who has the right protocol for me. So many of my surrogate friends have great things to say about Dr. Doyle, and I was very happy with the communication I'd had with his office staff, as well as Dr. Doyle himself. Since when do you find a doctor who emails you back within an hour?!

So I'm still here. Still hanging on. Anybody know if that cute kitten hanging from the tree branch on the poster ever manages to get himself back up?!