Totally Committed

I have been officially accepted as a surrogate with the agency!

Well, sort of.

That's what the letter of commitment I received stated in the beginning paragraph, but later added "Pending the results of the psychology testing."

Ah yes, that's probably important. They should definitely check to make sure I'm not discussing my surrogacy plans with any imaginary friends.

So after a very busy week, I have a lot to catch you up on! About 2 weeks ago, I posted a blog entry to let you know my medical records had been approved, and I was moving on to the screening process (as opposed to pre-screening). My surro friend, Jeni, who also happens to do the surrogate pre-screening process for the agency (a career I am very interested in, btw), commented on that post to give me the heads up that this part of the process would move very quickly. She was right! Two days later, I had my OB clearance appointment, and that same afternoon, I received two emails regarding the surrogacy process. One was informing me that I had been pre-authorized for maternity insurance. The other was from the agency's social worker, who was ready to schedule a two hour phone interview with me, and a one hour phone call with Austin.

I scheduled my call for Wednesday, April 3rd, and Austin's for Friday, April 5th. Both of my daughters are in school on Wednesday mornings, and I knew that would be the only way I could focus all of my attention on this interview. You know if my kids were home during this phone call, they would completely ignore me all morning playing contently by themselves until I answer the phone. Then some kind of child radar goes off, and they are instantly starving/fighting/whining/hot/cold/thirsty/bored/breaking things. All at once.

I was super nervous about this interview, and woke up early that morning because I was so nervous. Turns out, there was nothing to be nervous about. The social worker was so easy to talk to. The "interview" was her asking me questions about my life, and me telling her my stories. Questions like, "Tell me about your pregnancies and deliveries with your daughters." I haven't met a mom yet who doesn't like to share those stories! Or "Tell me how you met your husband and what your relationship is like." And "What are the reasons you decided to pursue surrogacy?" I'm the sort of story teller who likes to start at the beginning and tell the WHOLE story with all the details and quotes and what people were wearing (my best friend is nodding her head right now--you might be too, because of these blog posts). I think the social worker quickly realized she got more than she bargained for, because after a few of my responses, she politely said, "Well, I want to be mindful of the time, so...."

Our two hour conversation ended up being nearly three hours. Oops.

She talked to Austin on Friday, and apparently he wasn't nervous at all. Which, if you know my husband, means she had a hard time shutting him up too. :) They talked for about 90 minutes. I was baking and decorating all day for my youngest daughter's birthday, so I made Austin sit in the kitchen so I could listen to his end of the conversation. I found myself a couple of times quietly chiming in while he was talking, which I really didn't want to do! It was just so hard! But I stopped myself, just let him talk, and enjoyed listening to his perspective on a lot of the same questions. Some of the answers were so different from mine, it was hard not to laugh.

Like this one...

Social Worker: "It sounds like you guys have been a couple since you were very young. Tell me how you met your husband."

Me: "I was a junior in high school. My best friend was a girl named Lisa, and she'd known Austin since 2nd grade. They lived in this little country town named Geneva, his mom even picked him up from school on their horse. He was driving home from the feed store with the bed of his truck full of hay. Lisa and I were talking with some friends, and here comes Austin, driving fast around the corner on the dirt road. He stopped to say hi to Lisa, and she introduced us. I remember being embarrassed to smile at him because I had just gotten my braces off that morning........" Etc. etc. etc.

Now Austin's turn...

Social Worker: "It sounds like you guys have been a couple since you were very young. Tell me how you met your wife."

Austin: "Through a mutual friend."

I'm still laughing at that one. ;)

Just a couple of hours after Austin's interview was complete, we received the commitment letter from the agency! The letter had several statements I needed to initial, confirming that I understand many of my responsibilities being a surrogate (giving yourself injections, traveling for procedures, etc.). I signed it and sent it back this morning. Some time this week, the social worker will set me up with the agency's psychologist for the MMPI test, and concurrently, she'll send me a profile of the first set of IP's!

The social worker mentioned a particular set of IP's several times that she seems to already have in mind for us. She didn't give me many details, and I'm not sure whether I can or should share the details here just yet, in case we aren't matched. So for now, I'll just reveal that it is an international same sex male couple! I'm excited to see what new information we get this week!

Cleared for Take Off

Starting off this post with two warnings.

Warning #1

This is a really long post.

Warning #2

This blog is about surrogacy, IVF, pregnancy, and childbirth. You will likely get TMI on many occasions. So all my husband's friends who think they want to read my blog, feel free...but you will encounter words like vagina, cervix, discharge, and placenta. Just sayin'.

Yesterday was my appointment for my well woman exam, and of course, to get my OB to sign the clearance letter stating that it's safe for me to pursue another pregnancy. I was excited to go to this visit, because I haven't seen this particular OB since my 6 week check up after giving birth to my youngest daughter...and she'll be 4 next week! Because I don't have health insurance, I've been going to the health department for my annual exams. Which is another reason I was excited to go to this visit...no health department this time! Woo hop!! (That's for you, Jeni!)

The office was in a new location since the last time I was there, but it was still the same awesome OB and his nurse. I filled out all the new patient paper work, but decided to hold on to my OB clearance letter until I could talk directly to the nurse or doctor. I spent my time in the waiting room (there was a lot of waiting--one of the only things I don't like about this office) texting two friends who are Circle surrogates, trying to figure out what questions I should ask the OB. We decided it would be a good idea to make sure the doctor knew that I would likely be carrying a baby for a same sex couple. I didn't want to get half way through my prenatal care, have my IP's come to an appointment, and find out the hard way that the OB is completely against surrogacy for gay men. I really didn't think this would be an issue, but again, I just didn't want to take any chances.

Nurse C (I'm not identifying names just yet) finally called me back, got my weight (after I insisted on removing my purse, sunglasses and iPhone) and blood pressure, and then brought me into an exam room. I explained to her that I wasn't just there for my exam, but also for a gestational surrogacy clearance. She lit up and said "Oh, what an amazing gift for someone! A surrogate...if you love being pregnant, then why not!" So obviously they will be fine with having a surrogate as a patient! I also mentioned to her that I wanted to go ahead and have my IUD removed, and she said, "Oh sure, no problem. He'll just find the little string and pop that thing right out." Huh. (That is NOT what happened).

She instructed me to put on the paper gown and the doctor would be in shortly. I smile politely, but I am laughing inside, because I have NEVER been in any OB/Gyn's office where they come in quickly. Here's what usually happens instead:

I get completely undressed, hiding my underwear in my folded clothes (like it really matters if Dr. B sees my underwear, given what he's about to do).

I sit on the bed, in a paper gown, freezing my ass off and realizing that women, too, experience shrinkage. (Do you know what happens to barely A-cup boobs when the AC is set on "Arctic?!" It's not flattering.)

I eyeball the magazines on the other side of the room, because inevitably, I always forget to grab one.

I sit there thinking, "This is soooo boring. You know you'll be sitting here a while. Get up and get a magazine."

Then I immediately think, "No! What if he walks in right when you're scurrying naked across the room trying to get a celebrity tabloid?!"

This time, I waited until I heard the doctor go into another patient room, then finally gathered up enough courage to jump up and grab my phone and a magazine (which I quickly tossed aside after all that, because I was too nervous to read). Dr. B comes in about 20 minutes later (I am frozen solid), and pretends like he remembers me from the last time I was there. It was nice of him. :) He started the exam, did the Pap, and everything was going normally.

Then it was time to remove the IUD.

I would just like to start out by saying I know there are PLENTY of women who are perfectly happy with their IUD's. It was no biggie getting it placed, and they've been happy with this contraceptive. I am NOT one of those women. I have one nice thing to say about it...I do get pregnant easily, and I did not get pregnant for the four years I've had the IUD, so clearly it did its job well. However, I experienced incredible pain when it was placed 4 years ago. Let me just point out that I have given birth to two children vaginally, one with a mild form of hydrocephalus, so her head was a decent size. I was a super champ at pushing those babies out, and I almost (keyword) went without an epidural both times. I was 8-9 cm and nearly ready to push by the time I asked for the epidural. So, I can handle some pain. But the placement of the IUD had me whimpering, crying, and inadvertently scooting up the bed to try and escape. That doctor at the time told me that it was THE hardest time he's ever had placing an IUD. Just as I expected, removing it was no different. Again, I was whimpering, tearing up, and digging my nails into my palms. It was excruciating. I could tell Dr. B was really struggling to remove it (the string even broke), but he finally succeeded. He quickly helped me sit up, apologizing the whole time for "putting me through that," and then said, "In my 24 years as a doctor, that was THE hardest time I've ever had removing an IUD."

Yep, sounds about right.

Apparently, I have a stenotic (narrow) cervix, which means I feel more than just a "slight cramping." Needless to say, I've now decided I will NOT be getting an IUD again when I'm done with this surrogacy. Ridiculously irregular/eternal periods and having to go through that pain every time it needs removed or replaced? No thank you, I'm back on the good old fashioned pill o' hormones now. And it's chewable, which impressed me. :)

Anyway, so the IUD is gone (good riddance), and now I get to talk to Dr. B about the surrogacy clearance letter. He reviews, completes, and signs the form, and I tell him that I have just two questions for him:

1. "Have you ever had a surrogate as a patient, and are you okay with having one?"

Dr. B says that he has not seen a surrogate for her prenatal care, but he did deliver twins for a surrogate when she went in labor while he was the on-call doctor. He sees no issue with having a surrogate as his patient.

2. "I feel a little weird asking this one, but I just need to make sure. Are you okay with the intended parents likely being a same sex couple?"

Dr. B smiles his sweet smile and says, "No...it's fine." He continues smiling at me for several seconds, while I try to fill the silence by explaining that I don't know yet who I will be matched with, but my preference is to help two men become daddies, and I just wanted to make sure he knew that up front so there are no surprises. He smiles at me a little more, tips his head slightly to the side, puts his hand on his chest, and says, "I myself am a same sex couple."

O....M....G....

Seriously, I had to restrain myself from jumping up and hugging him, but I know I had a huge goofy grin on my face. I felt like this was a way better response than I could have ever hoped for. How amazing is Dr. B, for sharing that with me when he didn't have to?! And how awesome is it that I know my IP's don't have to worry about being treated differently because of who they fell in love with?!

This amazing piece of information almost made me forget all about my traumatic IUD experience.

Almost.

Next Step!

Yesterday, Jeni from Circle Surrogacy (my agency) emailed me to let me know that she had just received "a TON" of medical records via fax! She said once the IVF doctor reviews these records (from my pregnancies/deliveries) and approves me for surrogacy, then I am officially done with the "pre-screening" process. Well......

Today my records were approved by the IVF doctor!

This was me, upon hearing this news....

Seriously, this show never gets old!

Also, I felt like I was going to puke. Gotta love nerves. ;)

Getting through pre-screening means I am now all set for social worker screening! The social worker will help to determine if my husband and I are emotionally and mentally prepared to embark on a surrogacy journey. We will have a phone interview with a social worker from Circle that will last approximately 2 hours. It will be a chance for the agency to learn more about my motivations for being a surrogate, my relationships with friends and family, and my interests and personality. The social worker will also talk to my hubby to make sure he is supportive and on board with the surrogacy (the agency requires their surrogates to have the full support of their spouse or partner).

The questions asked on the initial questionnaire were answered in a little more detail during the application process, but in our conversation with the social worker, these questions will be addressed again, more in depth than before. These are questions relating to what I'm looking for in a surrogacy journey, which types of Intended Parents (IP's) I'm comfortable working with, and the really tough topics like pregnancy termination and selective reduction. Discussing these topics will help the agency find IP's whose preferences/views are the same as mine, so that we can be a perfect match for this journey together!

Not sure how quickly all of this will take place, but I've heard surrogacy is a "Hurry Up and Wait" sort of deal. :) Something that IS happening soon though is getting clearance from my OB! I have an appointment this Friday to discuss my surrogacy plans with him, have him sign my OB Clearance letter, and have my IUD removed so I can have a snuggly place for a surro-babe in the next few months!

Overwhelmed

Two days ago, I finally shared the blog I'd been working on making pretty for two weeks now (damn you HTML and your nonsense codes).  The idea of gestational surrogacy was one that my husband and I discussed privately many times before sharing the information with an extremely small group of family and friends. So putting it all out there on Facebook this week was a big step. I was prepared for phone calls, texts, and comments of all types...shock, confusion, well wishes, and sadly, even a few negative, judgmental comments. (I may have had an arsenal of words ready for that particular group...) ;)

What I wasn't prepared for is the outpouring of support, compliments and praise. When the Facebook notifications started popping up, I was expecting a few comments like this: "Wha?!?!?!" I did NOT expect the ones like this: "I am so proud of you!! What an amazing and selfless act of kindness." Those are the words that appeared over and over.... PROUD.... AMAZING.... SELFLESS.... and so now my word back to you is OVERWHELMED! I don't even know what to say. Thank you all for your support and kind words. It's hard to wrap my head around the compliments, because I'm not focused on what I'm doing. I'm focused on what someone else will get out this!

Fact:  There are loving couples in this world who need help to have a baby.

Fact:  My body happens to handle pregnancy and childbirth pretty well.

Fact:  I am a mother who wants my children to grow up in a world where the rights of everyone are protected, and freedom is denied to no one.

Fact:  I will do whatever I can to speak up or lend a helping hand (or uterus) to the people who are facing inequality.

So here's where I am right now in this application process. I have made it through the loooong pre-screening questionnaire on the agency's website (more about that in another post) and was accepted less than 24 hours later. My medical records from my previous pregnancies have been requested, and apparently are taking a little longer than usual become some of them are in storage (I guess that's to be expected when you request information from 10 years ago!). Once my medical records have all been received and reviewed by an IVF doctor, I will officially move on to the next phase of the process, which will include a psychological assessment and an interview with a social worker, for both myself and my husband. I'm excited for things to start moving along again!

Oh, and P.S. If I just totally jinxed myself by stating that my body handles pregnancy and childbirth well, I take it back!! :)