Here We Go Again...AGAIN

Ultrasound was this morning. And I measured a whopping 4.04 mm.

Is it possible to be mad at a uterus? Because I am.

Believe me when I say I was a hot mess on the way home from that appointment.

I really don't know what to make of all this. I'm on day 12 of my cycle, and the last two months I've ovulated on day 13. But the nurse said my ovaries looked very quiet and it did not look like I was going to ovulate any time soon. However, there's no blood work being done to confirm whether or not I'm ovulating, and she said something like the average woman under the age of 30 doesn't ovulate two months out of the year, and that it's possibly even more frequent for someone over 30 (I'm 32). So am I just not ovulating this month? Because if I'm not, or it's too early in my cycle, than this ultrasound pretty much doesn't tell us anything.

All I know is that I REALLY like these potential IF's. I think we could be an amazing match, and I really hate to lose them because their clinic won't approve me. I'm still really hoping the clinic will take into consideration the fact that I got up to a 7.4 mm last cycle on estrogen meds. I hate that I can't do real medicated mock cycles without being matched and under contract. I just want to be given a chance to do the larger dose of estrogen, or try a different method like patches or injections. Time and time again, surrogates have told me that the oral estrogen tablets didn't work for them. They only responded to another method, and I haven't been given a chance to even TRY another method. The nurse today even told me their clinic doesn't even use oral estrogen, because it just doesn't work well.

It'd be different if I had difficulty with fertility in my own life, but I didn't. At all. No miscarriages and no difficulty conceiving. I got pregnant on the first try with both of my girls. We joke that if my husband bumped in to me in the hallway, I'd get pregnant.

Last month's ultrasound proved that on the right dose of medications, my lining does respond. Using another method might work even better. I hope their RE can see that. I wish so bad that these IF's were with Dr. Doyle, since he's already approved me and is ready to work with me. I just don't know what else I can do. This is all so upsetting and frustrating.

All Aboard the Hot Mess Express

That's me right now.

Full speed ahead on the Hot Mess Express.

Whiny, bitchy, constantly on the verge of tears.

You've been warned. Proceed with caution.

Rant #1: My husband started a new job last week. The TV repair shop he worked at previously is struggling to stay relative in an age where it usually makes more sense to replace electronics rather than repair them. So after three years of hanging in there while his hours continued to be cut, he finally had to look for something else. Supporting a family of four on 28 hours a week was just not going to work. So we were thrilled when this new job came along. It promised better pay, benefits, and more job security. The hours can vary day to day, but we figured that was a small sacrifice in order to finally get his first pay increase in 10 years. Small sacrifice...ha! I pretty much have not seen my husband since Sunday. We are all asleep when he leaves in the morning and the girls are asleep when he gets home. I am eating Ramen soup alone for dinner, since I'm not cooking a meal for just me. He is getting home and skipping dinner, because he can barely make it to our bed before falling asleep. This is not what we signed up for. This is not worth any amount of money. I enjoy my husband's company and the girls love their daddy to pieces...this is killing us. I am trying to be tough and think positive, but I continue to find myself crying instead. A lot. It's not pretty at times.

Rant #2: After filing bankruptcy 9 years ago, we cannot stand having credit card debt. It makes us nervous. We have one credit card, and the first thing we do with our tax return every year is pay off the credit card debt. We did that this year. And then Austin's hours were cut. And then they were cut again. So now here we are just a few months after being credit card debt free, and the credit card is about 75% maxed out. I am beyond frustrated. You would think that being worried about Rant #2 would make me not so upset about Rant #1. Apparently it doesn't work that way.

Rant #3: I am pumped full of hormones. I am still doing daily Lupron injections, which were REALLY starting to hurt. I know any surrogates doing PIO shots want to punch me in the head right now, but it started feeling as if I was injecting into sore, bruised areas each time. I was switching sides on my stomach, and making sure to insert the needle at a 90 degree angle, but it didn't matter. After about 4 days of that, I decided to try icing the area first. It's totally working! I just hold the girls' Dora the Explorer ice pack on my stomach for a couple of minutes while I'm getting everything else prepped.

Muchas gracias, Dora.

Continuation of Rant #3: (Haha, did you think I was done?!) So, I don't think I've been having any side effects from the Lupron, but you'd have to ask my husband. And he's never here now. :P  The estrogen pills, however, are allowing me to feel menopausal symptoms at the ripe old age of 32. I am having hot flashes and night sweats, and perhaps it's why I am crying so much about Austin being gone? I don't mind it, because it's all for a wonderful cause, but it's certainly contributing to me being a total hot mess right now.

Get it? Hot mess? Hot flashes?

I'm here all week, folks.