Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Green Eyed Monster

I'm jealous.

There. I said it.

Over the last several months, since I started down this surrogacy road, I have watched on online forums and message boards as surrogates have applied, been accepted, completed contracts, cycled, transferred, and gotten pregnant. Some are even approaching their due date already.

I am so happy for all of these women and their intended parents. I just thought I'd be one of them by now. I thought I'd be planning my Halloween costume around a pregnant belly. Before our transfer was cancelled in July, I didn't even know that thin lining was a thing. I just thought, "Well, I want to be a surrogate. I want to help. I got pregnant easily, and I had great pregnancies, and I did pretty well at labor and delivery. So that's it. I'll have an embryo transfer, get pregnant, and create a family." Of course, things don't always go as smoothly as we hope, but I thought maybe the tough times would come AFTER a transfer. Maybe it wouldn't stick the first time. Maybe I'd have some of the spotting that's common in IVF. I never thought maybe my lining won't get fluffy.

Just last week, a newbie surro introduced herself on the board I frequent daily. She has been matched, but has not completed her contracts yet. Her RE decided to send her for a mid-cycle lining check just to see how she does without any hormone medications. She was feeling a little anxious about it, because she just had her IUD removed on October 10th, and then started AF a week later. Some of us were sharing her anxiety, because her ultrasound was scheduled on Day 10 of her cycle, several days earlier than what would really be considered "mid-cycle." Not to mention this was her very first cycle since having her IUD removed. She was looking for home remedies just in case, anything she could do that might help. I shared with her my laundry list that's everything short of voodoo.

Turns out, she didn't need to worry. Her ultrasound showed her lining at 11mm.

Lots of girls congratulated her. But I didn't.

There were a lot of exclamation points and happy faces. But not mine.

It's not that I don't want it for her (and all of the other girls). It's just that I want it for me too. I want this mock cycle to work so badly. I had a dream, and I'm pursuing the dream, and it's possible I won't achieve the dream. I have not given up...I don't know if the Delestrogen is working, and I won't until November 6th. But it's hard not to worry, and wonder, and doubt. I just don't understand why my uterus has been so stubborn and uncooperative. Said uterus is likely pissed at me right now for calling her a few names over the last three months. Suck it up, uterus. GO FLUFF YOURSELF!


  1. Easier said than done but... hang in there. I have good feelings for you. Your previous match just wasn't meant to be. My current IPs went through a surrogate break-up. All three of us believe it was fate that brought us together. I can imagine your frustration but when you get over this hump and you're creating that family, you'll appreciate your journey that much more.

    1. Thanks Melissa! I know everything so far has happened for a reason, I just haven't quite figured it out yet. ;)

  2. Oh, sweetie! I'm so sorry about your frustrations - I would be just as sad as you. Although I can't relate to what you are going through right now, I can sympathize. It also makes me feel kinda sad that here I am whining about my aches and pains when I can imagine that all you want is to HAVE these aches and pains. You're a true eye-opener; for many different reasons. Thank you for allowing us to share in your journey. I think of you often and wish you only the very best. Keep your chin up - everything happens for a reason.

    1. Thank you for the sweet words of encouragement! And please girl...when I'm 31 weeks pregnant, I will whine about the aches and paints too, lol :)

  3. Good on you to admit this. That takes an honest and big person. That said I thnk it's A-OK to feel this way. I felt that way when we had a longer than usual legal time. Your heart hasnt changed. This will happen. :)