The Green Eyed Monster

I'm jealous.

There. I said it.

Over the last several months, since I started down this surrogacy road, I have watched on online forums and message boards as surrogates have applied, been accepted, completed contracts, cycled, transferred, and gotten pregnant. Some are even approaching their due date already.

I am so happy for all of these women and their intended parents. I just thought I'd be one of them by now. I thought I'd be planning my Halloween costume around a pregnant belly. Before our transfer was cancelled in July, I didn't even know that thin lining was a thing. I just thought, "Well, I want to be a surrogate. I want to help. I got pregnant easily, and I had great pregnancies, and I did pretty well at labor and delivery. So that's it. I'll have an embryo transfer, get pregnant, and create a family." Of course, things don't always go as smoothly as we hope, but I thought maybe the tough times would come AFTER a transfer. Maybe it wouldn't stick the first time. Maybe I'd have some of the spotting that's common in IVF. I never thought maybe my lining won't get fluffy.

Just last week, a newbie surro introduced herself on the board I frequent daily. She has been matched, but has not completed her contracts yet. Her RE decided to send her for a mid-cycle lining check just to see how she does without any hormone medications. She was feeling a little anxious about it, because she just had her IUD removed on October 10th, and then started AF a week later. Some of us were sharing her anxiety, because her ultrasound was scheduled on Day 10 of her cycle, several days earlier than what would really be considered "mid-cycle." Not to mention this was her very first cycle since having her IUD removed. She was looking for home remedies just in case, anything she could do that might help. I shared with her my laundry list that's everything short of voodoo.

Turns out, she didn't need to worry. Her ultrasound showed her lining at 11mm.

Lots of girls congratulated her. But I didn't.

There were a lot of exclamation points and happy faces. But not mine.

It's not that I don't want it for her (and all of the other girls). It's just that I want it for me too. I want this mock cycle to work so badly. I had a dream, and I'm pursuing the dream, and it's possible I won't achieve the dream. I have not given up...I don't know if the Delestrogen is working, and I won't until November 6th. But it's hard not to worry, and wonder, and doubt. I just don't understand why my uterus has been so stubborn and uncooperative. Said uterus is likely pissed at me right now for calling her a few names over the last three months. Suck it up, uterus. GO FLUFF YOURSELF!